When a child isn’t old enough to understand the words neglect or isolation. What does the word chaos mean? Loneliness? But feeling those things; that doesn’t take age or understanding. So many people have said to me, “you always had a smile on your face, always seemed happy, how can you say anything was wrong there?”
Just because I was full of joy that nobody else could stomp out. Just because spurts of time spent with other people felt good. That doesn’t mean I wasn’t all torn up inside. Doesn’t mean I wasn’t needy of more than spurts. But when you are too young to make things happen, you compartmentalize and Survive.
When I was finally Old Enough to start creating my own world, to seek out something more, I made so many missteps. The searching was too Desperate. Too Needy. I gave of myself and tried to take of others and ended up hurting in yet more layers of loneliness. Learning of other ugliness in the world. It was years before I understood I was Allowing the damage to continue to rip me up. I was now the one Holding me back.
But slowly, so slowly, I was able to calm the chaos inside. I was able to take deep breaths and really Look at the people I was connected too. I was able to start being purposeful about walking away from the negative, and reaching out to the joyful. Because there was Joy inside me. Still there – a little buried – but there. And that is when it started to come together. Growth. Healing. Moving forward.
And now, so much time has been used to create a life that is calm, and loving, and Full of joy. Now, I’m Old Enough to just be me. I look back at the different stages of lonely chaos and I can smile and be happy and it is real all day every day.